Every morning in Playa Hermosa, Costa Rica, a variety of colorful birds come to hang out in the tall, wiry tree in the front yard. The regulars consist of a jet black bird with a scorching flash of fiery orange wings, the tiny green ones, with their surprisingly loud rhythmic whistles, a yellow-tailed one that stares at me while it flips around on a branch as if it were it’s own swing set, and every now and then the majestic red macaws come to visit.

I relish the view from the upper deck of the house. In the mornings, I sit there drinking coffee, waiting for the birds, while melting into the vast blue horizon. I appreciate the feeling I get from all of the open, visual space. In New York this kind of expanse is rare, if it exists at all, and I find that being able to look out on an uncluttered horizon does something to help defrag my mind. Though right now my mind is full of so much jabber that even the smooth open ocean is not enough to bring me tranquility. I feel like I’m decompressing what ten plus years of living in New York has done to my head. This may take time. 

The elusive red macaw on the ‘bird tree’

I feel that I am caught in between two worlds in a way…. I have an ongoing need to work on New York projects and at the same time a need to explore Costa Rica to suss out its potential for a future dream project… a need to work hard and a need to not work…. a need to be moving forward, but a need to be present… a desire to be around friends, but also a subtle but insistent call to find solitude… a wish to explore a romantic relationship in New York, and also a deep desire to explore more of myself without distraction. The paradoxes within me sometimes feel overwhelming and equilibrium feels elusive. A friend once told me, when it comes to life, there’s no such thing as true balance… only balancing. Balance is not a place one finds and stays, it’s an ever-adjusting, active practice. 

Part of me is already feeling somewhat disappointed in Costa Rica, which feels bad. I don’t know what I was expecting, and maybe I was living in a fantasy about what I thought this country would be like. Now don’t get me wrong, Costa is very lovely… but I have yet to think, “YES, this place feels right.” I also know that searching for a location that feels like home in a foreign country needs deep digging, not just surface scratching and I have yet to really dig here. All it really takes is to find the right people… that’s what truly makes a place for me. 

There is a yoga chalet just down the street from the house and I decide that taking classes there could be a good way to get a feel for the community. I will go tomorrow, and there I will work on the ever-adjusting, active practice of balancing.