The world around me is a blur.
It moves fast at an unattainable pace. I feel frozen. I’ve received the unbearable news from my family that my brother, my childhood companion, has died. It feels too strange to write it. I can’t believe it, but it’s true. I feel so detached from it, being on the other side of the world, wanting with all of my soul for it not to be real.

My brother was two years younger than me, we were best friends, as kids we did everything together, we learned how to ride bikes together, how to swim together, we read books together, we played, we fought, we ran away from home together to our fort in the backyard where we schemed about digging an underground tunnel to our parents refrigerator, we battled each other in self-imposed, highly competitive garden contests. We started various crack-pot business endeavors such as “NicTees,” a family restaurant (serving… our family). Probably the memories that stand out the most, are our often mischievous adventures. “Let’s go on an adventure!” one of us would declare and then we’d sneak out of our house, climb the big tree in our yard and spy on our neighbors, or we’d sneak away from our baby sitter and climb up onto the roof to shoot off fireworks, or make paper bag masks and go tricker treating a day early to make the most of the holiday. We’d go to the ocean and catch fish, explore islands, and swim out to new “untouched” rocks and name them.
So many adventures.

I’ve been here in India, momentarily paralyzed. Not able to talk much, internal, randomly bawling my eyes out every time a wave of reality washes over me. I sit with a blank, far away stare on my face and I don’t know what to do. Life persists all around me, but nothing I can do will bring him back and this floors me. Nothing I do will give me one more day or one more adventure with my brother, I cannot say goodbye, I can’t ask him any questions, we can’t relieve our childhood memories together anymore, half of the equation is gone. Really just gone.

wow.

I also can’t stay frozen forever. LIFE IS PRECIOUS, life is vagarious, unpredictable, a great gift. My brother lived life with such dynamism and passion. Tyler, I love you so much, your memory is alive in me forever.
I continue the adventure in your name.
your sis~